September 08, 2008

Truth in Advertising

I'm not sure what planet most advertising people live on. It's certainly not my Earth. The simplest things, under the only-slightly-biased eyes of the ad-men transform into the most miraculous of events.

Do they even shave? If they do, then why are they trying to make us think that shaving is the most thrilling experience a man can have? I mean, yeah, shaving is pretty cool and all-- it helps you not get kicked out of bed for scraping your partner's skin off like a cheese grater when you try to kiss. But how many times have we seen this ad?

Experience the thrill and excitement of Gilleck Quadro Fusion Extreme 3 Micro-razors! Each blade gives a more spine-tingling excitement than the last! Shaving is more exactly, more scientifically designed to provide you with the most awesome experience known to man!! With the Gilleck Quadro Fusion Extreme 3 Micro-razor you'll be more manly and virile than ever!!! You'll be like half James Bond, half Rambo, and half race car driving astronaut!!!! You'll become a shaving cream powered sex-machine!!!!! God-damn it shaving is so cool!!!!!! Hot, submissive women in silver skin-tight space suits will come on to you and you'll ejaculate like a man on fire parachuting from the space shuttle at 3,000 miles per hour!!!!!!!

Of course, for women the approach is less, shall we say, un-subtle... and graced with fewer exclamation marks.

The Aphrodite will transform you into a living goddess. No exaggeration. Once you shave with the Aphrodite, not only will your unsightly, freakish leg-hair be mercifully removed, thereby saving your immortal soul, but you will instantly be transported to a tropical island, where you and all your other Aphrodite-transcending goddess friends will live a life of idyll and luxury. You'll do nothing but take leisurely swims in a remarkably sterile ocean, and drink brightly coloured tropical drinks served to you in ornate glasses adorned with little pink umbrellas, served to you by bronzed, servile men with killer abs, who are also adorned only with little pink umbrellas. If you don't shave with this razor, you'll remain a hairy cow, fit only for a career in a circus freak show, doomed to live a single life, alone and miserable with your twelve cats. It's your choice.

It has become painfully apparent that I should get a job in marketing. I have few reservations about lying, and suffer few, if any pangs of conscience. I would concoct ads promising sexual prowess and material wealth if only you'd buy Velveeta. Velveeta's delicious and smooth flavour not only grants immortality, but also, moments of omniscience. If you drive a Hyundai, you will have sex with every woman in the world (even if you are one yourself, so ladies, you may need to really think about your sexuality before buying a Hyundai). Lucky Charms cereal is guaranteed to give you your own leprechaun in each box; don't worry about that curious smell of decay, that's normal for leprechauns-- the rank wee buggers!

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