Unleash Your Inner Goblin!

They key to a new future is in your hands

Stress is a daily aspect of your life. Whether it be from work, relationships, traffic, or any number of other sources, it's there. The important thing is how you deal with stress. Many people will tell you that a positive outlook and simple excercises are the key to using stress to your advantage. These people are, of course, idiots who make money off naive fools.

Unleash the Goblin within you! Learn to use the power of stress to unleash your inner goblin. With this course, you will learn to:

• delight in the misery of others
• torment small animals and children for pleasure
• speak in a shrill voice with a Cockney accent
• make arrows with black goo on them (usually poison)
• wear mismatched armour
• conceal yourself in shadows (useful in the stock room or warehouse!)
• lie
• cheat
• lie some more
• steal
• grovel pathetically for mercy
• attack in swarms
• laugh maniacally

And for a limited time, when you purchase this course on DVD, you will also receive the 'Goblin on the Go' CD. A great gift valued at 19.99 for free. Useful when you need quick goblin tips during bus rides, staff meetings, and hunting lone hikers in the woods.

Unleash your inner goblin now!

Stop pretending to be happy about your stress; make someone else miserable instead! Just listen to these testimonials..

"I think I ordered this along time ago and forgot about it, but I absorbed all the info cause I still use some of those tactics today. I can say that it is all useful info. I encourage everyone to order it. I might even order it again to brush up on my Goblin Rampage skills."

"Now this sounds like the DVD for me. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not under stress. Now I can be mean to people, and if they ask why, then I can just say I ordered Unleash Your Inner Goblin on DVD. They will have to understand. If they don't, then they aren't my real friends!"

"Ive been a nasty son of a 'explitive' for seven years now, Kingmonkeys DVD changed my life! Before I was kind, congenial and walked over. Now people avoid and fear me... they know that if they get in my way I'll ruin their lives with the same obsessive compulsive dilligence that I do everything. Plus it gives me another excuse to eat kittens. Thanks Kingmonkey!"

"Before taking the Goblin program, I was a kind and generous person. Now, I hunt people for sport and push old ladies down the stairs. Thanks Monkey!"

I'm pretty sure that my fortune cookies have been hitting on me

A few days ago, I went out and got some Chinese food. First, and most importantly, it was fucking fantastic! Second, and even more most important, my fortune cookies started to chat me up.

They didn't even start off subtle, either.

Others are deeply moved by your presence... in bed.

I could only respond to that in one way: fuckin' right they are!

But it didn't stop there. My leftovers also included a fortune cookie.

You express yourself with charm and humor... in bed.

Oh, Fortune Cookies, you say such things-- I'm blushing. If only you were animate...

I'm having the last of the Chinese food tonight, before it goes bad and starts a refrigerator revolt. I'm hoping my fortune cookies will affirm their love for me, but secretly fear they may leave me for the moo shoo crepes.

Soundtracks

Why doesn't real life have a soundtrack?

I enjoy listening to music. It's almost perverse how much I enjoy listening to music. If music were a solid thing, I'm sure I would be arrested for doing indecent things in public with it.

I always like having music playing while I'm doing anything around the apartment. Be it writing, cleaning, cooking, conversing with the cats, or engaging in witty repartée over Skype with some of my fellow sophisticants, there's usually music accompanying my hilarious hijinks. Right now, I'm listening to Guns' N Roses - Appetite for Destruction... it is soothing my savage breast.

So, now all I need to do is figure out a belt clip for a battery pack, attach some speakers, keep them in a backpack, connect it to my free iPod (thanks, moviesonline.ca!) and blast out the Vanilla Ice wherever I go.

Um, and by Vanilla Ice, I clearly mean whatever music you assume I think is awesome.

When writing, some specific scenes seem to call out for a certain type of music. In Behind Stone Walls, I found that Mr. Self-Destruct by Nine Inch Nails kept coming back to haunt me like the odour of a fart that gets trapped in the cloth of your pants.

RDL has proposed a contest of some kind for writers over at moviesonline.ca, and sleazy and Flagg seem to be thinking of polishing The New World Order for submission to Image Comics. I'm going to need to buy new speakers.

Where the Wild Ideas Are

I wonder where ideas come from. Not literally, but in the arrogant, pretentious artistic way.

I developed a whole background for Behind Stone Walls* which I don't think will ever get to see the light of day in the completed story. Maybe I'll explore them in another story, but it's unlikely. Despite my participation in spin-off stories at www.moviesonline.ca, I don't like to revisit my creations. I like to love them and leave them like an irresponsible lover.

The writing journal is getting filled with my "secret codes" (i.e. poor handwriting) of all kinds of story ideas. A few are just simple titles, a couple lines of dialogue that want to be told in something later on, one seriously cool time travel idea I had late one night before going to bed... Sometimes, just writing down a description gives me fodder for later use.

Red Death Lady had an idea over at moviesonline, about a summer writing contest/thing. I'm thinking about it-- seriously thinking about it. I think I really need some external motivation to get going. I used to write on forums because other people could read it immediately, and give feedback. (Plus, the mind-blowing praise and blizzard of money you get paid for that sort of thing is nice, too.) Left to my own devices, I don't get much done. Must do something about that lak of writing initiative.

A cool quote from I Know This Much Is True: Inspiration is a fickle mistress, after all-- keep her waiting and she may desert you for another!

*I'm really starting to hate that title.

Reading Stuff!

I'm a little under halfway through The Day Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko. It's the second in the Watch series, following The Night Watch. I started reading the first book (exclusively on the bus while going to and from work every weekday), a little over two weeks ago, and now am halfway through the second. I gotta say, I really like this stuff!

The series is very well-defined, and follows an unusual and original premise. I know I'll be picking up the next two books as soon as I've finished this one.

This is the kind of fantasy I've always wanted to read: set in modern times, and following some parallels with White Wolf's World of Darkness, but minus the Anne Rice-centric melodrama and angst. In a real World of Darkness (like the one written by Mr. Lukyanenko), the whiney, self-obsessed vampires would be slaughtered by the very desperate werewolves.

kingmonkey goes back to school

As January approaches, I'm eager to go back to school.

Holy shit.

How did that happen? I'm going back to school? Well, okay not a full schooling, or anything. I'm going to take a course at Algonquin College called Crafting a Novel. Hopefully I'll be able to put this to use and finally write a story with an ending.

It sucks having the attention span of a

So anyway, my vision of the future has me living the high life in a vast studio apartment, overlooking an ocean of some kind. For some reason, I'm dressed all in white, in this dream, and my clothes flutter in a constant breeze no matter where I go.

We'll see how ready the public is for finely crafted novels about zombie apocalypses and superheroes! No doubt, the lack of them indicates that there must be a starving market for them, right?