The Truth? You can't hand- oh, whatever.

There comes a time in each man's life when he must confront the darkness in his soul. There are dark urges that sometimes drive us, make us do things we could never speak aloud, fill us with regret. These are the times when we know we have become as low and as foul as we could possibly be.

It is only through the light of truth that we can start to rid ourselves of these evil predilections. Today, I have to admit to you something that shames me to the core.

I kind of like the taste of Thrills gum.

Hi, my name is Knuckles.

I'm a heroine addict.

It was innocent enough, in the beginning. I found a discarded poster of Princess Leia, one day after school, and brought it home with me. My friends thought it was cool. I loved the adulation of my peers, and I needed to do more to keep it up. They'd egg me on; they convinced me to start reading Wonder Woman.

Well, then I was Mr. Popular. We'd have parties and someone would always start passing around the Batgirl. My wife was always trying to be understanding, but I hid how often I was using. It was a downward spiral of Black Canary, Ms. Marvel, and Lara Croft.

Before I knew it, my wife left me when she found Ellen Ripley stashed under our mattress.

Life of a Chocolate Addict

I bought some new hot chocolate. How was I to know it would change my life?


At first, I thought 'hey, this stuff looks good.' It seemed innocuous enough, in it's little brown tin, with simple green patterns. The ingredients: dark chocolate, sugar, salt, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and pepper. It was enough of a subtle twist that I was hooked.


Hooked. Huh. I used to use the word as a joke. Hooked on comics, hooked on zombie movies, hooked on crystal meth-- always light-hearted and comical.


I tried the hot chocolate and it was good. It was smooth, chocolaty, and most of all, it triggered a catastrophic addiction. Y'see, I thought it said to add 3 tsp of chocolate to my 6 oz. cup. I liked it, and felt warm surges of ecstasy under my skin. Then I reread the package to discover it actually read 3 tbsp per cup! Naturally, I wanted the full effect- nay, needed the full effect. And that's when it all started. It seduced my senses, left me a gibbering puddle of flesh in my chair. (My co-workers were remarkably understanding, and didn't feel compelled to help in any way whatsoever.)

That was when I decided to leave my wife and run away with my hot chocolate. I know, deep down, that eventually my chocolate will run out on me. Sure, I'll try to find it again, but it's a weird foreign brand and I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'll eventually try the next fancy hot chocolate to come along, then the next, then the next, in an ever-worsening spiral of chocolaty self-destruction.

Next thing you know, I'll be snorting raw cocoa-- freebasing Ecuador 80% Dark. My family will try to hold an intervention, and my wife, tearful, will ask me to leave chocolate and come back home.

At first, I'll try, thinking maybe, just maybe I can do it, but fearing deep down that one day, the Cocoa Dragon will have me again. Sure, my confidence will be boosted the first time I pass by Laura Secord or Godiva stores, and I'll think 'you know what? I can do this.' But then the first time it gets too hard, I'll be back on the street, probably on Hallowe'en. The cravings will have gotten too bad, and I'd be looking for the biggest fix of all, only to be lost in a sea of milk chocolate and dark cocoa.

Seriously, though, if you can find Chuao Chocolatiers' Winter Hot Chocolate? I heartily recommend it. And I'll reserve a place for you in choco-rehab.