October 02, 2008

The Game Begins

I have difficulty with the idea of having a desk near the bathroom door. I was lucky this time, and I didn't have to bite that bullet. The bullet was instead bitten by Phil. He isn't our resident bullet biter by any means, so this seems an odd place to put him.

I do notice that he nods and speaks to me when I go by, though. It's as though he's documenting my bathroom habits. Perhaps he's been put there by The Man, whose name is Gord, to keep me "down" somehow.

I like being able to go to the bathroom unnoticed. It adds a layer of mystery that is comfortable for me. Like, 'where has kingmonkey gone?' 'I don't know'. That's better than 'where has kingmonkey gone?' 'To the bathroom, he's been in their for seven minutes, and this is his third trip to the bathroom today.'

Clearly, I must devise an alternate means of reaching the bathroom unnoticed. Perhaps if I slide along the office floor, wearing strips of carpet as camouflage. I can wait until he's doing credit card reconciliation and dart into the men's room. That'll screw up his precious surveillance, won't it?

Alternately, I may hit him in the head with a plank, from behind.

I'll be sure to document the results of whichever plan I enact. Stay tuned, and know that I am fighting for your rights.



Rasmenia said...

I recently watched an episode of "Curb your Enthusiasm" in which Larry David was being accosted by the person at the desk near the bathroom each & every visit.

Naturally, the information pertaining to the frequency & duration of those visits became much talked about by his friends & acquaintances.

Until now, I had no idea how horrifyingly real it all was.

I'm confident that wearing strips of carpet will work, as long as you can move along the floor using swift, slithering movements.

Kind of like an upholstered lizard.

MJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MJ said...

I'm thinking that the carpet approach will incur less legal repercussions than that involving the plank of wood.

Also, I'm pretty sure the "Descent into madness" label is applicable to all your posts.

kingmonkey said...

So, it turns out that wearing a suit made of carpet strips is actually more conspicuous than just throwing smoke bombs. Still, smoke bombs aren't easy to make (I just used some that I happened to find in a dumpster behind the office), so I think I'll start slipping Valium into his coffee at lunch time.